


Fan Service 3.0

by Towelhun (momhuey)



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: EXO-K, EXO-M - Freeform, Fan Service, Fanservice, Hair trauma, Humor, In appropriate use of Wushu, M/M, SM Entertainment - Freeform, SeTao, TaoHun - Freeform, Unfortunate need of duct tape, brotherhood of the travelling scarf, huntao, kpop, taose
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-07-21
Updated: 2014-07-21
Packaged: 2018-02-09 19:26:57
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,059
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1995021
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/momhuey/pseuds/Towelhun
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Back hugs, check.  One pair of matching red shirts, check.  Googly eyes, yep.  Congratulations, you're on your way to being buried in 30,000 pairs of panties...and if you prefer boxers, better still.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fan Service 3.0

Sehun watched Tao out of the corner of his eye as they walked down a hall on the 2ND floor of SM headquarters. Tao was on, of all things, SM business and, as usual, insisted on dragging Sehun along. Tao was his dearest person, so he wasn’t entirely unwilling; he was just mostly unwilling.

In the beginning, Sehun and the rest of EXO had been baffled as to why Tao had been chosen for the Chinese half of EXO. Tao had no dance background and his singing was almost embarrassing when compared to EXO’s vocal gods like Chen and Baekhyun. He also came across as an awkward social tragedy. Had SM chosen him solely for the beauty-to-badass perfection of his looks, or for his amazing athletic abilities? He was sure that SM wouldn’t make an investment like that.

It wasn’t long before Sehun had come to see what SM had seen; Tao’s passion.  And Tao's potential. Ignoring his natural charisma, which ranged from dorky to dangerous, from silly to suave, or his ability to network like nobody’s business, or even his unpredictable approach to building a public image, Tao had years upon years of training his body to do what he wanted it to do. And so, exploiting his fierce discipline, Tao had given the finger to the fact that he was a late recruit and had incinerated the odds and made himself into a dancer by the shooting of their first video.

Even after that though, Tao practically lived in the practice room. Though he spent hour after hour trying to beat his usually cooperative body into submission, Tao was frustrated every night. He remained thoroughly dejected over what he saw in the practice room mirror.

One night, with absolutely no ulterior motive, Sehun grabbed Tao by the hand and told him that they would practice together, just the two of them, all alone, all hot, and sweaty, with lots of mirrors….. Fourteen hours later, Sehun dropped to the floor half dead and struggled not to drown in the rising tide of his own sweat.

“Noooo,” Tao whined. “Help meeee.” Sehun had known that Tao was a steroid on steroids, but he had stupidly thought he could keep up. So he lay there on the floor and wheezed verbal directions, feebly waving one sweaty arm in rhythm. Within a few weeks, Tao had made peace with the metronome in the corner and Sehun had improved enough to be able to crawl almost all the way to the door at the end of each practice.

Even so, Tao was dissatisfied. He, and also Sehun, knew that there was something missing in Tao’s performance. It was all very athletic, which was ok, but there was more to Tao than that. It was missing the essential Tao. Sehun knew it was there, but he didn’t know what it looked like, or how to bring it out.

So he wrangled Kai, EXO’s walking bag of seduction, into joining them for a private practice. It was a disaster. Being the team player that he was, Kai had brought his “A” game. Bound and determined to help Tao find his inner wet dream, he’d gelled his hair into something resembling an ill-advised mix of blue candy floss and nitroglycerin and by his second crotch grab, everyone’s clothing started inexplicably sliding off their bodies . They pushed through the discomfort of practicing wrapped in duct tape, but finally had to stop altogether when the wallpaper caught on fire.

Once he found all his singed clothing, Sehun’s heart hurt at the sight of Tao’s discouragement. His plan had gone down in flames. Tao wasn’t Kai. The harder he tried to writhe and waft pheromones, the more he ended up looking like the creepy neighbor not allowed within fifty feet of a preschool.

Sehun thought about it the whole night and by morning, he had an idea; a scary idea, but an idea nonetheless. For him, something simmered below the surface of their friendship, but he wasn’t sure if it was reciprocated. So once they reached the practice room and Tao was standing in front of the mirrors getting ready to stretch, Sehun slithered over to stand in front of him. When Tao looked up, Sehun employed that look for which he was famous; that look that said, “Come hither and I’ll blow, at the very least, your mind.”

Sehun gripped Tao’s shoulders and walked him backwards until he could press him against the wall. Then he grabbed the back of Tao’s hair and yanked. Since he wasn’t on a stretcher headed for the hospital, he smashed his face to Tao’s and tried to suck his lungs out passed his tonsils.

Then Sehun got the response he was hoping for in more ways than one; Tao took charge, swept Sehun’s legs with rudimentary Wushu and pinned him to the floor. The look on Tao’s face was just what Sehun had hoped for. It said, “Escape is not an option.”

Things got out of hand quickly and Sehun managed to struggle to his feet in spite of the tangle of his clothes – how was it possible to turn a shirt inside out while still wearing it? He pulled Tao up and dragged him to the mirror. “Look at me,” he purred. Then he got that look that said, “You. Me. Goodies.” Sehun started to smell smoke and leered at Tao’s look, which said, “Submit or die, bitch.”

Sehun turned Tao’s face to the mirror. “This is Tao. Now have fun with it.”

His dancing changed overnight. By the shooting of Overdose, he had been choreographed to dance shoulder to shoulder with Kai at the front of the pack. It was aggressive. It was dangerous. It dripped testosterone. Sehun secretly hoped that fantasies of chewing his way through Sehun’s ugly sweater vest, while he was in it, were the fuel for Tao’s fire.

The choreography staff looked for more ways to up Tao’s visibility. One day the lead tech sat Tao down and leaned forward with a wicked smile on his face. “We’re thinking about adding a trick to the Overdose routine,” he said. “How important to you are the laws of physics?”

“I'm allergic to the laws of physics,” he'd responded. Last he’d heard there was a rash of head and back injuries in boy bands around the world.  People from Asia to Australia were scratching their heads trying to figure out what to do about that pesky thing called gravity. 

Their relationship had also changed overnight. They were now dating and Sehun was downright giddy. They surreptitiously, or so they had obliviously thought, glued themselves to each other. Then they got the backing of SM.

Kpop fan service was transformed, which was why they were standing outside a conference room in which the latest SM recruit waited. Sehun and Tao were officially subject matter experts.

Sprawled arrogantly in a leather swivel chair was a ludicrously good looking, mint-green haired, Chinese. Sehun watched the young man look up with a bored expression, then almost laughed as his face lit up, then fell, then lit up again, finally ending up looking like he wanted to cry.

“Huan?” Tao said, all business.

“You’re…you’re…Tao? Sehun?” He wiped at the sweat that had just appeared on his brow. “I, uhm, Taohun? You two are legends,” he said miserably. Sehun knew precisely why Huan’s face fell with that revelation; any hopes he had for negotiating or bargaining his way out of what was coming were gone.

“Uhm,” he continued while Tao grabbed a laptop from a table. “They said you were going to talk to me about fan service.” After a pause, during which Tao settled next to him, Huan’s face crumpled. “Do I have to kiss guys?” he whispered. Sehun smiled at that same first question nearly every idol newbie asked. Well, he hadn't asked. In fact he was pretty sure he’d traumatized the rest of EXO-K by waggling his eyebrows at them during their team meet and greet.

“Why would you think that?” Tao asked. “Don’t you know what a kiss is?”

“Well…” if Sehun wasn’t mistaken, Huan was whining, “it’s just that everyone in Kpop…”

He was interrupted as Tao flipped open the laptop and fired it up. After Tao opened a browser, he slid the machine to the neon coiffed recruit. “Google ‘Kpop kissing.’”

The newbie flinched but did as he was told. When the search was complete, Tao told him to click on the menu item for images.

“There’re over two million returns,” Huan moaned.

“Yes, but if you filter out Super Junior and ignore the JRock results,” Sehun suppressed a snicker at Tao’s shudder, “you’ll see that there isn't a single kiss to be found.”

The new guy leaned in and squinted at the screen. Then he looked at Tao as though he’d lost his eyeballs.

Tao poked a dozen thumbnails on the screen. “Kissing games.” He shook his head. “Stupid. I’m not really sure about the size or age range of that audience but, still not kissing.”  Sehun caught Tao's sideways glower and raised one brow.  Hey, it wasn't Sehun's fault that he didn't speak Chinese and thought he was supposed to really kiss Lay.  It hadn't helped that Lay had seemed pretty okay with it and the rest of EXO were crazed,  drooling cheerleaders .  Feeling harassed, Sehun added unhelpfully, “At least everyone’s breath smells like candy.”

After a mildy terse 'Tch,' Tao poked another handful of images. In each picture, some Kpop idol had his, or her, lips in clearly reluctant contact with some part of another idol’s pained looking face. “That’s also not kissing.”

“But…”

“Sehun,” Tao patted the chair next to him. After Sehun dutifully arranged his face to look like he had a toothache, Tao leaned in toward him with pooched lips, looking as though he was trying to create as much distance as he could solely with the size of his mouth. They kept that pose for several seconds while Huan looked back and forth between them and the laptop screen. Sehun pulled away when he saw Huan’s face go from horror to something more neutral.

Then, knowing what was next, Sehun gripped the arm rests and closed his eyes. Calloused fingers tangled in his hair and he felt warm suction on his bottom lip. Then Tao adjusted the angle of his head.  Mouths open wide, they licked each others’ tongues only to close them again to suck on lips in a raunchy display. This went on for several seconds until his head swam and an unmanly squeak left his mouth. Tao pulled back and when Sehun dragged open his sluggish eyelids, he found no small amount of heat, and adoration, in Tao’s eyes.

Still smoldering at each other, Tao asked, “See the difference?” Then both turned to Huan and Sehun laughed at his slack jawed look of stupidity and the string of drool sliding out of his mouth.

When Huan didn’t answer right away, Tao took Sehun’s hand. He pressed pooched lips to the back of it and said, “This is packaging for a product. You have more intimate encounters with your toothbrush.” Then he closed his eyes and sucked on the hand, forcing Sehun to hook his feet on the chair legs to keep himself from sliding out of it. He then pointed to the now moist skin on Sehun’s hand. “Sex.”

Huan was paying close attention, but his unease had not disappeared.

“SM isn’t selling EXO pornography.” Sehun didn’t think that Tao was aware that he hadn’t let go of his hand.

“Selling?” Huan frowned looking furtively toward Sehun’s hand which was held disturbingly near Tao’s crotch…looking nothing like EXO pornography.

“SM is a business. Businesses sell things.” Sehun watched as Tao nimbly led Huan to a truth about KPop. “Do you know what they are selling?”

“SM sells…uhm…” Sehun gave Huan points for giving this serious consideration. It seemed that, like Kris, Huan looked brainless, but unlike Kris, he was not. “They sell art?”

“No. If they were selling art, they never would have picked me.” Still holding Sehun’s hand, Tao leaned back in his chair. “Don’t get me wrong; there’s some world class talent here. But what they’re really selling are fantasies. Fantasies wrapped in a rainbow colored bag called entertainment and you were hired as a salesman.”

Huan leaned forward. “But…girls…”

“Look, I’ll make it easier for you,” Tao said. “What guy doesn’t want girls?” Sehun raised an eyebrow; Tao knew very well what guys didn’t want girls. “And you’ve hit the jackpot. One bit of fan service, even crappy fan service, and you’ve got 30,000 girls throwing their panties on stage.”

Tao sat up and closed the laptop lid. “There are three levels of commitment in Kpop relationships. The level you pick is pretty much up to you.” Sehun felt pretty jubilant that the words ‘commitment’ and ‘relationships’ had replaced ‘fan service’ in Tao’s vocabulary.

“First you’ll be paired up with another member of EXO, probably from K.” Tao scratched his nose. “It’s really a mystery to me how that works. Some trial and error I suppose; maybe focus groups or a Magic 8 Ball. Who knows...

”After that you can choose to do level one, which is heavily scripted. Frankly I can’t believe girls buy it. I heard that it's called delulu." he shrugged.

Tao pulled a sheet of paper from the clipboard and slid it toward Huan. “Level one is for public appearances only. At some point during an appearance, pick something from this list and do it.”

Tao ticked on one finger. “Back hugs are good, but you have to master the art of the serene look. Another good one is whispering sweet nothings into each other’s ears. You don’t even have to speak Korean; just giggle as if you understood what he said.” Tao ticked another finger. “Let’s see…grab his wrist going off stage or in airports. Holding hands is not on the list, but you might want to gauge the decibel level of the screaming girls before writing it off completely. Oh, and spend some time with a mirror working on your besotted look; I used to practice thinking about American cheeseburgers. Anyway, use that to pretend that you aren’t paying attention during interviews. You’ll need to coordinate taking turns with the others for that one. Can’t have all twelve giving each other googly eyes at the same time.”

Tao sat back and pointed to the paper. “Once you become proficient, you’re welcome to multitask. Pooched lip contact during a back hug? They’ll be wetting themselves.”

“Now, commitment level two has its pros and cons. One of the upsides is that you and your love bunny don’t have to spend nearly as much time together or even be in the same time zone. Also, you could get away with little or no displays of affection during public appearances. This is handy just in case your parents are watching.”

Huan’s eyes lit up and he sat forward eagerly.

“But,” Tao held up a finger, “it uses up your free time.” Sehun almost lost the thread of conversation when Tao’s sock covered toe worked its way under the hem of his jeans.

“Evidently, the harder information is to find, the more relentless girls become; if it’s hidden, it must be true.” Both Sehun and Tao shook their heads. “They scour the internet and our Instagrams and any other reputable or sketchy source they can find, and then pull out their Officially Licensed EXO Fangirl Magnifying Glasses to find clues that support their favorite ship.  I saw a really, really grainy photo on one website declaring that Tao and Sehun were out on a date. We recognized it though and knew it was actually a mailbox out front."

Sehun nodded and added, “You’d be surprised the mileage you can get out of a pair of matching red shirts. But that’ll only go so far if you want to keep your sales quota. You need to use some imagination and keep it fresh. Girls are organized and relentless and swapping ball caps will only keep them busy for so long.”

"There's a box in the EXO dorm with a collection of hats, shirts, bracelets, etc.  Close your eyes on your way out and grab something. Put it back when you get home and then for kicks, log into the internet.  We came across one site with a 147 slide Powerpoint presentation, including photos, giving the timeline of a blue checked scarf showing who wore it and when. You could almost hear the internet humming with the frantic keystrokes of girls trying to apply this to their favorite couple.  You could also almost hear the internet implode when Kai showed up on the streets with that same scarf tied around his dog, Monggu's, neck.  Interestingly that same photo of the mailbox showed up in that presentation."

“You have to keep feeding them, so you have to be seen in public without the other members; I recommend a Starbucks Gold Card,” Tao said. “And you have to learn the tricks to using social tools of the internet. In the beginning I had a staff member write a computer program that would post to my Weibo account when it received a post from Sehun. Since they were computer generated, the responses usually made no sense whatsoever in either Chinese or Korean, but that only made the girls more determined.” Tao scratched his head. “One TaoHun board decided they were love letters written in secret code and was trying to find a contact in the KGB to decrypt it. One group even formed a coven of wiccans to try to contact the dead. Seems they decided Sehun's great, great grandmother had the inside scoop. To this day I still don’t know for sure how they got hold of my favorite tube of eyeliner.” Tao added in an irritated mutter, “Fucking Chanyeol.”

Huan’s shoulders were hunched. “I think I’m scared of girls now.”

Sehun nodded, “Good man.”

“Anyway, let’s get you desensitized,” Tao pounded him soundly on the back.

This was the part that Sehun hated. Not the interaction with the newbies, but the utter boredom. He really had better things to do. Like throw darts at photos of Tao.

With a sigh, he plopped into the chair next to Huan and tapped his own cheek. “Lay one on me.” After several moments during which Huan worked himself toward a spectacular bout of hyperventilation, Tao barked, “Man up and pucker up!”

Huan finally managed to situate himself with his lips pressed to Sehun’s cheek. “Five minutes,” Tao said and Sehun caught him typing “shirtless Sehun” into the browser on the laptop.

After about a minute Sehun was already bored. Without dislodging Huan, he pulled his phone from his pocket.

“Rut aw wu dwing?” Huan asked without losing contact.

“Angry Birds,” Sehun answered curtly.

At four minutes, Huan tilted his head far enough to say, “Can we quit now? I’ve already counted every pore on his face.”

Without looking up from his cell phone, Sehun answered “I don’t have pores. My complexion is flawless.” He then held his phone up and brought the two of them into focus making sure to capture the cringe on Huan’s face. “This’ll teach you to disrespect EXO-K’s visual,” and he proceeded to take a half dozen selfies of the two of them and then post them to the newly created ‘open_szn_on_Huan’ Instagram account.

Sehun gave the boy credit when he only groaned instead of flailing in a panic.

At five minutes, Huan’s head flopped to Sehun’s shoulder and he spoke again. “My lips hurt. Can we quit now?”

Tao nodded. “Yes. You’ve bonded. Now get off him.” Tao waved his arm in a circle. “Switch.”

Huan only sighed. So did Sehun because during this half, he didn’t even have the luxury of browsing the Gucci online catalog for something that Tao didn’t already own.

Sehun knew they’d made progress when he had to spend the last two minutes poking Huan in the head to wake him up.

After the longest hundred years of Sehun’s life, Tao released them, only to say, “Back hug.”

Huan’s reaction was much less panicked than earlier, so when Tao did an obscene hip thrust and said, “Grab your balls and put your ass in that man’s crotch,” he only nodded.

Almost at the point of having had enough, Sehun grabbed Huan by the elbow and dragged him out of his chair. He manhandled Huan into position in front of him and dug his chin painfully into Huan’s shoulder.

Turning back to Tao, he didn’t even try to tone down his sour expression before snapping, “How long are we going to do this one? I have some paint I need to watch dry.”

Tao held up five fingers and went back to snickering at the laptop in front of him.

Again, only a few minutes into it, Sehun heard a soft snore just before he felt Huan start to slide down his chest. He stomped on Huan’s foot and shoved him into the nearest chair. Then he smiled wistfully and looked at the ceiling. “Ah…the sleep deprivation of the newbie... Memories…”

After Sehun and Huan had been declared a lovely couple, the three were back at the table. While Sehun was constructing a bulletproof excuse for getting out of this the next time, Tao gathered up their stuff.

“Find the salesman in you and accept that fan service is just packaging for our product. Wrap it up in rainbow colored ribbons and take pride in your ability to sell it. Remember," he said.  "It’s all about fantasies...and 30,000 pairs of panties.”

Grouchy, Sehun grumbled, “Don’t you have an appointment with our mad scientist, I mean, hair stylist.”

Tao visibly flinched at this topic. Looking like a PTSD victim, he stroked the top of his head and said in a quavering voice to no one in particular, “Did you know there’s no such thing as white hair? It’s what you get when all pigment is...is...gone.” Tao’s eyes started to glisten. “Poor empty follicles. What kind of cruel world…” He clapped a hand over the sob that escaped this mouth.

Sehun covered his own head with both hands. “Mommy...”

“What!” Tao snapped. “She likes you.”

Sehun pursed his lips. “How soon we forget confetti hair.” He looked at the ceiling, “Confetti hair wrapped in a butchered paisley necktie.”

Sehun turned to Tao. “I heard that she weaseled her way into doing G-Dragon for the Fantastic shoot.” Dawning horror spread on Tao’s and Huan’s faces. “He said he fell asleep in the chair. Actually he said he was drugged and just before he lost consciousness, he heard cackling and hand clapping. T.O.P. had his hands full learning how to pick the lock on GD’s bathroom door.”

Tao looked pointedly at Huan. “There are plenty worse things than a close up view of the inside of Suho’s ear.”

“Anyway, stand your ground with her or you’ll walk out looking like a purple French cut poodle. And just to be safe, don’t drink or eat anything she gives you. Also, if she wants to work on your hair with your back to the mirror, run.”

Huan got up looking like he’s been shot out of a canon and stumbled out the door.

Before the click of the latch, Sehun was all over Tao. He grappled his way to a position straddling Tao’s pelvis.

“It’s been three hours since the first floor broom closet and I am so done waiting.” Sehun picked at the top button on Tao's shirt. "We talked about this. Do you just like sewing buttons back on your shirts?" Without ceremony, he yanked and sent buttons flying. Then he was flipped and his head bounced satisfyingly off the carpet.  He was savoring the sting of teeth on his neck when the door opened again. Huan’s voice preceded him into the room.

“Wait, what about the 3rd…” He stopped, the blood draining from his face then returning in a full bloom of scarlet. Then he pointed at them with a shaking finger.

“Three?”

“Yes,” Sehun barked, supremely annoyed. “Now beat it and shut the door on your way out.”


End file.
